If you haven’t already begun planning how to become an Elf this Christmas, time is running thin. The lifestyle of a legitimate Elf is not one to be taken lightly nor stepped into at whim.
So, you need to start putting the wheels in motion!
Virgin Wines have been positively supporting Elf culture at our HQ for the last decade, including fostering strays from the North Pole and putting significant funds into training current employees into Elves (for increased efficiency during the festive season).
Now, for the first time ever, we are willing to share with you EXACTLY how to make that all important transformation into an efficient, pointy-eared professional…
Tip #1 – TIGHTEN UP YOUR LOOK
At this point in the year, the weather is seriously chilling down. So, naturally, the stock of tights in your local stores, and also leggings, thermals and stockings, is rapidly decreasing. Ladies nationwide are protecting their pegs without any care for how the common Christmas Elf will source their work uniform if there’s simply no stock left. Virgin Wines encourage ALL wannabe Elves to stock up on festive-flavoured tights including reds, maroons, crimson (sometimes coral), greens, lime greens, moss greens and, only if necessary, yellow and mustard tights. Tights are an Elf essential, allowing for maximum flexibility during work-time, established as official uniform in August 1959 as a breathable, supportive alternative to denim dungarees.
Tip #2 – ADD SUGAR
The life source of all Elves is sugar. Their diet is referred to as ‘sweeating’ (sweet-eating). We’ll be honest – if you don’t have a sweet tooth, you don’t have a future as an Elf. During a typical day, the average human may consume between 90-120g of sugar as per guidelines. Whereas an elite Elf will consume upwards of 1300g of sugar in one day (not recommended). Rich fruit juices, (which Elves prefer to call ‘fancy tree nectar’) is a favourite source of sugar for Virgin Wines Elves, who are often seen in the tea room glugging wild berry compote from a tin can. But Vanilla Coke, strawberry laces, lemon sherbets, Cherry Bakewells, Battenburg ice cream sandwiches are also at the top of their treats list. Interestingly, there has not been an overweight Elf documented to date, said to be linked with their extensive physical exertion during working hours. Virgin Wines would recommend maybe adding a little extra sprinkle of sugar to your daily coffee for a perk up, rather than following an Elfish diet and potentially giving yourself diabetes.
Tip #3 – LOL
The secret to really becoming a Christmas Elf is to laugh out loud. Lots. And lots. Recent research shows that the average Elf working on the North Pole laughs roughly 91% of their working day, with the remaining 9% taken up by sweeating, presenting new projects to Santa and bathroom breaks. This quintessential laughter is what makes the Elf working culture so extremely productive – “Polite jokes breed laughter, laughter breeds happiness, happiness breeds success” – Richelf Branson. Virgin Wines encourages you to test the theory in your workplace.
That is all we can reveal to you from our secret Code of Elfics for now… Ideally, we would love to open the entire book to the public, but then we would have an army of Elves on our hands this festive season. And then we’d only have an audience for Moscato and Riesling wines.
Not too keen on wearing tights, shovelling sugar down your gob or hysterically giggling in public? Not to worry. I’ve found you a shortcut to becoming an Elf. It’s fun. It’s quick. It’s free: Click here to INSTANTLY become an elf now!!
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